My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
