don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
