Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
