he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
