I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
i think my cat just said my name.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize