my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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