Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I need water and some morals
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
