By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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