he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
