I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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