Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
