There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We have started to decorate penises.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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