Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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