My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize