Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
