OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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