so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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