Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
