I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
