Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
