I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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