sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize