Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
