I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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