i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
