If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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