I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
