Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
