Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
This is not my ceiling
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
