I can text with my tongue
I cut my penus on the lid.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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