cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
