Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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