I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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