stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
