May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
