There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
