I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
