First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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