i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize