I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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