I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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