I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
