Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
its liver damage thursday
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
