He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize