My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
