What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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