god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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