I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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