i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
