whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize