dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
