this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
