sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
