I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
