Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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