So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
